I’ve lost my faith…

My whole life when something bad has happened or something challenging came into your path everyone would always say “have faith and you’ll get through it” and up until this point I really never thought of those words “have faith” as more than something to say to comfort someone going through a difficult time and typically I do have faith but lately… I feel like I have lost my faith.

How can I have faith when my beautiful little girl struggles every single day of her life? Whether it be pain, fatigue,  vasovagal syncope/POTS episodes, headaches, severe leg pain… how can you have faith when you have prayed so hard yet your child is still left suffering and your prayers are not being answered. How can you have faith when you have brought your daughter to five hospitals, several specialist, constant testing, several ER visits, 911 calls, etc and almost a year later we barely have any answers… I never imagined that getting our child help would be this hard. I never imagined that we’d get resistance every step of the way.

But every day I pray with Josephine because I want her prayers to be answered, I want her to not be angry with god, I want her to have comfort in believing in something bigger than herself and I want her to know that somewhere along the way that prayers do get answers and that somehow someway we are going to get through this and life will go back to normal… well, at least more normal than spending all our spare time in hospitals and doctors offices.

To some people going to church consist of 4 walls, a cross on top and a preacher and that is fine for most and that brings them comfort. But for me… faith comes from within, it comes from the silent moments I have alone sitting outside at the waterfront praying for a miracle to end this nightmare of a year. My faith comes from the silent tears no one sees me cry that prove that I am still here surviving and that my tears make me real and I know its okay to feel pain and to let it out to remind you that once you let those moments out that you dry those tears and you keep on fighting the good fight.

For so long I have felt so lost in this world, like I never had a place in it that suited me or accepted me fully. It wasn’t until recently that I have seen an outpouring of faith and kindness that has restored my faith in the people that surround me. These people have offered their ears to listen, their shoulders to cry on, their advice and understanding and these people have been walking this long road beside us reminding us that we’re not alone in this and I don’t think any of these people realize how much that has meant to us.

So, yes… I have been angry with God for putting my little girl through such a hard battle… she doesn’t deserve this and its sometimes unbearable to digest. Every day is a struggle and every day is a constant worry. We never know what each day will bring forcing my husband to work multiple jobs to keep us afloat so I can care for our daughters needs. She misses a lot of school, she is constantly at doctors and hospitals and we have decided that I need to be home and available for our daughters needs over me working right now. I do substitute here and there when I am called in and that does help to bring in some extra cash. I just never imagined the year that was supposed to be Jo starting kindergarten, new beginnings, and me getting back to work has turned into a the most challenging year of our lives. We never imagined that this would be our daughters journey, we never imagined she would have to walk through something so difficult. And I hate the phrase “Your given this life because your strong enough to live it.”  You know what… that quote sucks right up one side and right down the other. No one should have to suffer and look fear in the face. No one should have their life ripped away from them… especially not a child.

But they say that miracles happen quietly every day and no one keeps score… I just hope our miracle is on its way to restore my faith…  because I am exhausted being stronger than I feel…

 

butterfly

 

 

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